Why don't others ever clean our house?!

One of the most common causes of domestic disputes is probably the feeling that someone has to do "everything" and others are not doing their part. Ruuhkaton now tackles this perennial issue and tries to shed some light on why don't others ever clean our house! This article presents a handful of ponderings and cause and effect relationships as answers, but is not all-encompassing. In the article we move happily between concrete tips and more abstract thematic cause and effect relationships.

Let's start by reflecting a little on this theme and then I will give you 8 reasons why no one ever cleans in our house!! You can jump to the right section of the Table of Contents by heading.

Has Ruuhkaton found the age-old wisdom in the cleaning hurdle?

No, but quite a few good points! For many years now, I have been thinking, researching and twisting this subject from a professional organiser's point of view. I myself was originally brought up in business studies, so inevitably I always look at all the issues through the lens of supply, demand, exchange and expectations.

This theme also has many overlaps with psychology and sociology. I draw on peer-reviewed articles and journals.

I have been working on this particular article for over a year now. I think this question is one of the most fundamental when we think about the dysfunctional everyday life and our experience of everyday life. My clients' daily lives tend to culminate in a few core experiences and beliefs, with cleaning being one of the most painful for many.

I don't want to pretend that I have found the philosopher's stone, but I want to stimulate thoughts on this theme and discuss whether the reasons I have highlighted seem relevant and could help you to open up the blind spots in your everyday life. Let's try!

Whose side are we on here?

Let's remember that our home is home to everyone who lives there. Everyone has their own story, their own needs and their own perspective. It's fair to consider the issue from many angles, and ultimately we need to find a workable balance in everyday life for each resident.

I want to underline this, because when we are stressed and exhausted, we tend to narrow our perspective and sometimes only see our own point of view. But effective solutions usually need all perspectives to be taken into account and a genuine desire for collective change.

I will leave out of this article reasons that may be due to different diagnoses or disorders. They undoubtedly play a part, and in such a situation it is worth consulting a health care professional for help. However, I will say this much: in general, all kinds of people benefit from an organised and tidy home.

Before going deeper into the reasons why others never clean in our house, let's take a moment to reflect on this observation and experience.

Our observation is that others never clean up at our place 

A few years ago, I heard from many sources the idea that the perceptions our minds produce are at best only subjective perceptions. My head "exploded". For this article, I dug up a couple of other perspectives, and by exploring among them, things suddenly become more complex than the monotonous "Other people don't clean!".

The great thing is that the solutions to this challenge are actually simplified, if we allow ourselves to wade through the complexity for a moment.

Observations and interpretations can mislead us

In retrospect, it is obvious that my own interpretation of the matter is not a black and white absolute truth, but I had managed to live a relatively long life without questioning the findings of my own mind. So the idea that my mind might perceive its own was very important to me.

For example, I used to think like this: "It's a mess here. There are clothes on the floor. The others don't care and don't clean up." The other side of the truth: My observation about the mess was true, at least for me. There were clothes on the floor.

But the meaning was different for me than for the others living with us. And the state of affairs (clothes on the floor) said nothing about caring in this case.

Since then, I have looked at the world from a different perspective. It's called "I have an idea that...". So we may have a perception of clutter, and it's true, and annoying at least to the observer. We may have the idea that others are not cleaning up after them. We may think that it is a sign of indifference or even malice.

If you find yourself making interpretations of others' intentions because of a lack of housekeeping or tidiness, stop for a moment to observe. Could it be something else, something practical? In this article, I have listed several practical reasons why others never clean in our house. Take an open-minded detective attitude, and get curious.

Your own navel is more important than others'

Part of this idea (Why don't others ever clean up after themselves?!) may be explained simply by the fact that we are usually more sensitive to what we ourselves do. We don't necessarily notice everything that others do.

The title is provocative, but let's think about it this way: if we took care of our own cleaning, could it increase our satisfaction? We already know that the things we pay attention to tend to get stronger.

So if we concentrated on doing our own thing, we'd probably be happier than looking at what others were not doing.

Is this now fair? Isn't this already toxic positivity if no one else is actually doing anything? Yes, in that case yes it is.

I believe that all residents play their part in cleaning up their shared home. If you feel that you are doing almost everything and others are not, you need to intervene.

Different standards as a classic reason

We may also have different standards of how and in what order a home should be. In this case, there may be more than one person in the household who suffers, with one person having too much clutter and another having too high standards of tidiness. Everyone becomes miserable and something has to change.

In this case, it is also a question of whose standards are we working to? Should the home be tidy or can it be messy, if that is what the majority of residents want? Where do you draw the line?

Two things can be true at the same time, so my point of view and someone else's point of view can be true at the same time. I find this a very interesting idea. My own perception may be relevant only to me and at the same time the other person's experience is equally true and correct.

The Affordance Theory partly explains this experience. For example, some families see the worktop as a surface to be kept empty and swept if there are crumbs on it.

Part of the family, on the other hand, sees a level with crumbs. The interpretation therefore goes no further, and therefore does not trigger any impulse to act, let alone guilt. Extremely fascinating. And unfair.

What if someone actually cleans alone, and the others never ever, do anything in our house?!

It may also be that one, usually the default parent, does more than the others. In fact, there is a great deal of research on this manner. Time and time again, they show that in the West, women in particular do more unpaid domestic work than men, who do more paid gainful work. This is the case even if a woman has a full-time paid job.

Whatever the reason, the feeling that others are not involved in organising and cleaning your home is a sign that something needs to be done. Even those who ignore the breadcrumbs will thank you later when the source of resentment has been dealt with.

Indeed, bitterness, stress and resentment increase in a home where only one member of the family feels responsible of organising and cleaning. Someone else in the same home may feel helpless, depressed and unable to contribute.

The youngest participants will copy from the model, and it's anybody's guess which parent will be copied. This kind of situation does no one any good, as it strains relationships and causes all sorts of pressure fronts.

Identify the underlying cause and try what will help the rest of the family to get involved 

Let's break these ideas down to more concrete levels and think about more background. This will also allow us to try out concrete tips. I hope that one of these would be worth a try for you. It would be great if you could drop me a line and let me know what you tried and how it went!

Ruuhkaton now puts forward eight reasons, why don't others ever clean our house?!

1. A messy environment is particularly stressful for women

Researchers have found that women are more likely than men to be stressed by a messy home. Women who described their homes as cluttered were more likely to suffer from increased stress. For this study women who took part in the study had elevated cortisol levels throughout the day, regardless of whether the day was spent away from the perceived messy home.

The researchers suggested that women are more vulnerable to stress because of social expectations. Women may be more likely to notice a mess than men because they are expected to take care of the home more than men.

This is also explained by the Affordance Theory, which states that some perceive affordances at a different level than others. So it may be that these women's perceptions included the assumption that the home should be tidy, and even tidy to a certain standard, thus reducing perceived stress.  

In this case, part of the feeling that others are not cleaning may be explained by different standards. Women may start to suffer from clutter earlier than men. The environment expects women to take care of the home more readily than men, and this expectation is also in the back of women's minds, creating expectations.

Five proven & good reasons to start reducing the amount of stuff in your home

Reflecting this, women may be more likely to perceive clutter and disorder as an uncomfortable situation, being the first to take action, and feeling too alone to deal with it.

So what can help? At least a dialogue. The most sensitive tenant needs to tell the others, using "Me" messages, that the mess is really stressful and causes a lot of challenges. Once the rest of the team has understood the situation, it's time to agree on common rules to avoid the mess.

It may also be desirable that the person with the most delicate sensibilities does the last mile cleaning, preferably in agreement. By last mile cleaning, I mean putting the last of the things back in place when they have gone unnoticed by the rest of the family. And they may indeed have been "under the radar", see the Affordance Theory. Someone just doesn't see them or they are not in the wrong place for someone else.

Professional organisers always try to organise the space to suit the most vulnerable resident, as stress over belongings is a real problem. We therefore take this aspect into account when proposing solutions.  

2. Items don't fit in the cupboard, making it easier to leave things laying around

"What's wrong with them, when they can't put it all the way to the cupboard?!" Smoke rises from your ears when you think about the indifference of others. You yourself go to a lot of trouble to put things back in their place to keep your home tidy. At the same time, you wonder why others can't do the same? I admit, there is room for empathy... 

From a professional organiser's point of view, there are a few reasons for this:

Number 1: If the cupboards in your home are very full, it takes more effort to put things back than it would with more loose storage space.

Number 2: The user may not know where the item belongs to (even if that's where they took it from).

Number 3: It doesn't occur to them that by leaving it elsewhere, they will add to the mess and to someone else's perceived workload.

Once again, we are faced with a different observation or approach. We can change ourselves right away by practising different ways or perspectives, but the best way to guide others is by example.

Depending on the reason, this can help: goods should have a clear, intuitive place where they can be easily returned. Discuss with the family why it is important to return the goods and how it will save everyone time and effort. Double-checking that everyone's intuition matches the agreed place, rather than someone nodding off out of necessity.

Then the whole family starts practising routines for putting things back in their place. Repetition, repetition and repetition. Someone has to be the coordinator, reminding and encouraging, with positive attitude.  

And no, of course it's not that easy. Finding places usually requires decluttering first, then organising. Conversation, on the other hand, requires many skills, including active listening. Routines require systematic commitment and practice. But it gets easier with practice, once people are motivated to change.

3. There are no designated places for the goods, so it takes brain power to think about where to put the goods

A common cause of clutter and a head-scratching mega-creator of clutter are items that don't belong anywhere. That is, MISC (miscellaneous) goods. They may not even be used or missed by anyone, but for one reason or another they are a visible and annoying part of everyday life. Or are they even used more than others, and are always "in the wrong place"?

The situation is the same in terms of organising if there is no place for any goods. In this case, every attempt at cleaning requires a lot of energy and thinking: where on earth does this belong or fit? Well, I'll just leave it there. Until the pile is finished or the level of junk is full.

This situation can be addressed by going through all the belongings, for example with KonMari method or even a quarter of an hour at a time, until all the belongings have been processed and everything has a place. You can also declutter out just those drifters who seem to be blocking the road and creating the feeling that you have a mess.

You can also declutter them even 10 cm x 10 cm area at a time, as long as you get to grips with it. If that seems impossible, pack everything in a cardboard box. Empty the whole level into it, and write "Level goods and date" on top. You'll know where to look if you miss something. If not, you can dump the whole box in the recycling after six months at the latest. 

Why is there stuff on the floors, clothes piled up and home feels like a jungle?

If it's someone else's stuff, over and over again in your way, stop and think; is there a logical place for that stuff or that person's stuff in his or her mind? Are they here because there is no place or it is difficult? Is there realistically not enough space? The place should also be easy for them to use, so that in the future the things can be found there and not elsewhere.

Do you have room for all your family members and their important belongings? If not, can you make room? Perhaps you could give up something else to make room for these roadblocks.

Such classics include someone's little-used clothes, shoes in the hallway, tools or weavers and their yarn.

4. We are more likely to notice bad things than good things because of negativity bias

People are more likely to focus on negative things, even if there are as many positive things and they are of equal value when viewed neutrally.

We pay more attention to misery and we value the bad things more than the positive ones. So things appear more difficult than they are when we focus on the negative.

This psychological phenomenon is called negativity bias and has been evolutionarily beneficial to humans. However, in the midst of all this chaos and busy-years frenzy, it is not exactly working in our favour.

What will help? The negativity bias is helped a lot by just being aware of it.

If you know that when you get home from work, the kitchen is likely to be a mess from the young cook's special of the day (although hey, great, someone's cooking!) or the hallway is flooded with shoes and backpacks (great, family home safe from the school!), stop before you go in.

Do a conscious breathing exercise before you go home, to let your body know that the situation is under control. Breathe in and long exhales for a few breaths. Choose to ignore the chaos you perceive and focus on the people (repetition).

Strategically, this problem is also helped in the long run by decluttering: the fewer units in the home, the fewer units in potentially wrong places creating clutter.

Establishing home systems and practising routines also becomes important if residents are stressed. Indeed, the negativity bias is intensified when stressed.

5. The cleaning routine has not caught on, at least not with others

No one will ever clean our house, because they don't understand that it should be cleaned regularly and that those activities belong to them as well. I admit that this is a rather crude statement, but if we strip it of its sentimentality, this may actually be the case. Some residents may genuinely assume that cleaning is not their job.

One common source of friction is the expectation of some members of the family is that the house will be cleaned once a day or once a week. Even if others have been told many times, perhaps even tapped a hundred times - and sometimes shouted at - this has not been understood. 

This situation seems really unfair to they, who is the first to notice the mess and feel responsible for the home - and who has tried a hundred times to communicate about it.

This resident's stress levels rise and the situation can also be very stressful and stressful for him or her. This is a real and big problem that should not be laughed at or ignored by others. And no one should be left to cope alone. 

The situation can also be very stressful for those who do not perceive the mess in the same way or feel the need to do anything about it. They may be puzzled, nervous about being shouted at again, or just feel really inadequate with a big and intractable issue. Their expectations are different, and it can be difficult to get the other person to see how they think the situation should be.

Whatever the reason for different expectations or the lack of cleaning routines, this is helped by 'me' communication. Both parties should be able to share their views on how to resolve the situation. The family should create a cleaning routine and ignite everyone's inner motivation to participate. 

When it comes to involving children, the Hunter, Collector, Educator book is an excellent tool to shed light on the situation and gather specific tips. People have a fundamental need to belong to their own family, and to express that belonging through building the common good. Sometimes we have just drifted off course, but there is hope.

If a weekly cleaning routine seems impossible on a site with an impossibly large number of items to return before cleaning, there is too much stuff. You might guess correctly that this is once again helped by decluttering, where there's no need to organise before the clean-up, instead the clean-up starts straight away with the tidying up.

6. Responsibilities are unclear

It may not be clear to the children or spouse how to keep things tidy. Again, someone may expect that it's not really any of their business, or that the "family project manager" will tell them when to start.

I know, it sounds unreasonable, if you have mentioned it 599 times and told others that everyone has to take their own responsibility.

But this is not a simple matter. It involves interaction and family dynamics, where we all usually have the opportunity to express ourselves more clearly. When stressed, it's extra-difficult.

For example, you might expect everyone to take care of their own things, but in practice this is not quite the case if one parent does the laundry or fixes the bikes for the whole family. So which things should you do yourself? The dirty ones in the washing machine or in the basket, the semi-clean ones on the 'chair', the clean ones to dry in the washing machine or folded in the cupboard? Can they be thrown away, is it important to be in the cupboard or should they be nicely set? Can you accumulate a big pile of laundry or should you do something every day?

For example, if the parents want the child to be involved in tidying up and cleaning, this must be made possible at the child's level. This means a manageable amount of clothes, toys and tasks. Usually, this means deluttering to allow the child to handle the manageable amount of stuff.

In addition to the appropriate quantity, the adult must allow for appropriate places for the items, so some form of categorisation is in order. You also need to model and support the collection and organisation of toys.

If responsibilities are unclear, first go through the adults' expectations and ideas about responsibilities. You might be surprised how differently you think about them.

7. Boundaries are unclear

Do you have clear boundaries for the whole family when it comes to cleaning the house? Does everyone really understand that when you leave the dining table, you put the dishes on the counter? Or that toys are collected after play, in the evening or before the robot vacuum cleaner starts its turn? Does everyone understand where to put dirty socks or where to put work mats?

If it is clear to everyone how your home is organised, the problem may be that it is not easy to put things back (see again point 2).

If, on the other hand, it is more a question of users not realising that it is only when they return the goods, and not when they get up from the table, change the play, take off their socks or return from work, that they stop doing something, then they need to practice doing it. It is then a question of instilling routines. 

It can also be a question of differences of opinion. One or more would like a certain kind of environment and routine, some would like a different one. In this case, it's worth blocking chores.

He who throws his clothes should have a little used place for them in the best throwing place (at least for a while, to facilitate the training). He who leaves his toys can try a simplified lifestyle of fewer toys. This is not mean-spirited, it's boundary-pushing.

No one needs to be threatened, but everyone must understand that the cultivation of goods cannot continue, but that they must have their own place where they are kept. It is everyone's responsibility.

The way I see it, we have enough capacity for a certain amount of goods. It is kind to ourselves and others not to seek too much to manage, because then we cannot cope with the demands of the goods. Less is more. 

8. There is too much stuff to maintain order, which makes cleaning difficult.

This now brings together the first points of the list from a slightly different perspective. In many homes, you have to bulldoze before you clean.

For some, this means an hour-long operation, which can be an overwhelming task in the midst of all the other work and everyday life. You could clean, but the idea of clearing before cleaning is too much...

All the energy and time goes into creating order - if you can get there at all. This makes the task of cleaning itself seem overwhelming. The operation is doomed to fail, but instead of realising it, people start to feel that it's their fault. Or someone in the family.

I want to underline the circumstances. If you don't have the time and energy for hourly operations, it's easier to put things in place every day, so that the cleaning moment and day starts with a straight clean.

The BUT is that if there aren't enough places for things, or they're not named, or there are simply too many of them, it's impossible.

This is an essential piece of the puzzle: if the home is decluttered and organised, maintenance is possible. Then cleaning is also possible, and should not be left to one person.

Ruuhkaton listed eight reasons why others never clean at our place!! to the eternity question. I also included suggestions for solutions and approaches to try in order to find the optimum for your home.

As a bonus, I'll explain why none of the policies included collectable sticker prices, bribery or threats.

Why are threats, blackmail and bribery not the best solution when others won't clean up?

Threats, blackmail or bribery are not the best way to encourage others to clean up. Research shows that they are not helpful in changing people's behaviour over the long term. Change needs internal motivation. External rewards don't motivate for long, even if they can individually redeem the clean-up. Instead, we would like to stimulate long-term change, driven by a genuine desire to participate.

Harvard motivational research on children makes it clear that threatening, bribing or blackmailing children will not help to change their behaviour in the long term. On the contrary, for example, using a sticker chart (an external reward) will eventually kill intrinsic motivation completely, i.e. the situation will become even more unmotivated than it was in the first place.

So don't offer rewards, but try together to find the intrinsic source of motivation: does your child enjoy being tidy? Does your child like to see toys neatly placed on a shelf where they are comfortable, as opposed to on the floor. Does your child enjoy vacuuming or dusting?

It is a good idea to involve your child in the cleaning process on his or her terms and by setting an example. This creates a virtuous circle.

How can you increase the internal motivation?

Even if you could do it yourself, give the child a hint: "The bin looks full", "The table should be cleared", "Now someone's Legos are on the floor...". Teach your child to see places to do things around the house by saying what you see.

The child can then choose to take the bin bag, vacuum (as they do, don't fix it!) or empty the dishwasher. The reward is a genuine connection with their family, so there's no need to thank them for doing it. In fact, forget thanking them, because it's about doing things together, not doing favours.

A challenge, but not too much

To feed this intrinsic motivation, you should, for example, try offering your child tasks that are suitably challenging.

Too easy a task is uninteresting (picking socks off the floor) and too difficult is baffling (cleaning your room). "Pick up all the red, blue and green clothes from the floor" can be challenging in just the right way and provide a sense of playfulness.

The tasks should take into account the age of the child and the level of activity control. After all, executive function develops into adulthood, as does our brain.

The frontal lobe of the brain, which is the last part of the brain to develop, is responsible for a large part of this control, until the age of 25. This is why children need to work together and be led by example, making it easier to get involved.

Praise for trying

Instead of thanking or praising the child's qualities, praise the child's participation and effort. This is essential for building motivation. Notice that the child tried.

You should not criticise or correct the end result, even if it does not yet meet your standards, because you may kill the motivation by correcting.

And don't be tempted to call someone lazy or incompetent. These words will become true in your child's mind, and you'll be even lonelier with the cleaning after a while if you start criticising.

Let your child do it while he or she can concentrate. Don't leave them alone with a challenge that's too difficult, but go along to finish the job if they start to lose their grip.

Take advantage of your child's natural desire to help

Children have an innate desire to be part of their own family and the desire to help their own family is easily seen in the activities of a small toddler.

Often these attempts to help and these investigations seem a bit messy, even dangerous, and we are quick to refuse to participate or to direct the backslider to the TV.

We don't even notice when we might refuse offers of help, because they don't resemble our image of help. Over the years, they would become more similar, if only we didn't kill the motivation before then by denying and redirecting.

If you are interested in motivating your child to be closer to the family from an educational point of view, read Michaeleen Doucleff's Hunter, Gather, Parent. With Michaelee's advice, the cleaning part will also grow!

What about the spouse's executive function and motivation - is he or she not mentioned at all?

Even if your spouse has not yet woken up to the issue, the best way to get results is to take action yourself first, and also to discuss the issue openly between adults.

Usually someone in the family gets fed up first and starts to declutter and organise. After all, excess stuff is the biggest reason if the cleaning doesn't go well. It always helps to declutter.

Someone has to set an example for the rest of the family. Others will get involved, some more quickly and some more slowly.

But if it is a genuine challenge to operational guidance, you should turn to health professionals and find out what you can do. A decluttered, organised and clearer home usually helps with the management of absolutely everyone, as our minds don't get so stressed in such an environment.

Thanks for coming to read 8 ways to deal with a situation when others never clean up at our house?! by Ruuhkaton an Henna Paakinaho, professional organizer. Drop me a line, I'd love to hear what you think of my blog and what you'd like to see me write about.