Too much stuff as a cause of homesickness

What helps when you're ashamed of your home? Six ways to reduce home shame

Shame is a strong emotion that can even dominate your life. You can feel so ashamed that you don't want to invite anyone into your home. What can help when you are ashamed of your own home? Here are six ways to help reduce the shame of home. Hopefully these will help and some of the shame will go away!

Why do we experience the shame of home?

Brené Brown has spent her life studying vulnerability and shame. Brownexplains that shame causes feelings of being trapped, isolation and powerlessness. She has defined shame in relation to guilt : shame is the painful feeling or experience of believing that we are fundamentally flawed or worthless. Something in what we do or don't do makes us unworthy in relation to others.

Shame will not take us forward. Healthy guilt, on the other hand, gives us a clue as to what we should change or what we could do to improve our own behaviour.

If your home isn't up to your standards, if things are overflowing or piling up, you can be ashamed of your home. Researchers found out in a study on the impact of home and daily routines on hormones that women in particular may be more vulnerable to the influence of the home environment. They may feel more responsibility and also guilt for clutter. This is also relevant because experiencing the home environment as unclean or untidy raised residents' cortisol levels and affected their mood.

The disappearance of village culture and social media iconoclasts are adding to the pressure. Increasingly, we feel that our homes are not as trendy or cool as others. Although this is an illusion, our feelings are real. Home shame can also be passed down from generation to generation, as a psychologist Katja Myllyviita notes.

What helps when you're ashamed of your home? The picture shows the hallway of my home, with shoes, clothes and a backpack scattered in vague places.
For example, a messy hallway can cause home shame if things can't find their place for one reason or another. The hallway is always the first place guests, and residents, look.

I am personally ashamed of our old furniture, among other things. We've been meaning to replace our kitchen table, chairs and sofa for a decade, but we always find some reason to postpone. Our dear, rickety black, untrendy sofa is a disgrace, even though it still serves our family well. Our kitchen furniture is also in a prime spot, so it's a daily reminder of the project's postponement.

Who writes here?

The blog is written by a marketing pro-turned-professional-organiser, a mother of three, Henna Paakinaho from Pirkanmaa, Finland. I have strong track record managing both home and demanding career in busy years. Through Ruuhkaton I help my clients to focus on their everyday life instead of unnecessary stuff. Nice to have you here!

I believe that home shame is one of the scourges of our time, as the flood of goods has taken both the baby boomers and their descendants in the West by surprise. Many homes are flooded with stuff, time and skills are not enough to manage it all, and crisis after crisis has further isolated us within our homes. At the same time, if we believe that we are defective, incompetent or that our homes are unfit, we are already talking about a tragedy of a lifetime.

What helps with home shame?

I hear from my clients beliefs such as "I can't get started", "I'm such a hoarder" or "I can't help but take or buy", which are pretty narrow, even shameful beliefs about themselves and their own practices.

Beliefs are rarely real traits, but in my experience they also hold the key to lasting change. It is up to the client to make this change, but as a professional organiser I can support this process in many ways.

Brené Brown has developed the Shame Resilience Theory by which you can take the following steps to develop shame tolerance:

  1. Note, name and understand shame triggers
  2. Identify the external factors that trigger shame
  3. Talk about shame with others
  4. Connect with others for empathy

Be curious: what triggers your own shame?

Step outside your own circle for a moment to observe: why your home is shameful: the postman brings you a package unexpectedly and you receive it in a cluttered hallway - shame, why?

Browsing the internet in the messy kitchen in the evening, while the trendy home of the influenza starves behind the screen? What do these situations say about you, your beliefs or your hopes?

If you find the reason for the shame trigger, you can start working on your shame tolerance by naming the trigger. Can you turn the idea around so that neither you nor your home are at fault, at most the situation needs work?

You may find that your worth is not measured by your home, contrary to what shame tries to tell you. You are important no matter what kind of home you have.

Talk about the shame of home

The feelings of home shame are familiar to a surprising number of people, either through personal experience or through a loved one. According to SATO half of Finns experience homesickness, according to a survey commissioned by the European Commission. 20 % experienced shame often or always.

Brene Brown makes an excellent point: shame cannot stand the light of day. This means that talking about shame helps it to fade, because it needs silence and secrecy to stay "alive". 

So talk about being ashamed of your home and how it affects your life. You might be surprised at how those close to you react and how they are likely to feel the same way.

The opposite of shame is empathy. Seek it from those in a similar life situation! Shame dissipates when we connect with other people.

Ask or buy help

For a baby family, this might mean a neighbour taking out your rubbish (I know, a very shameful thought, but wouldn't you help in a similar situation?), a friend doing the dishes or a professional organiser coming in to clear and plan the whole laundry routine to keep your daily life running smoothly.

Finland still has a strong culture of doing it alone. This is problematic in many ways, but have you considered that if you were to accept help, the helper would also get the pleasure of giving? Helping others is an essential part of being human: we get pleasure and endorphins from helping and being usefull. We experience connection with others. By accepting help, you are doing both yourself and your loved ones a favour.

Take advantage of the expertise of a professional. With the help of a professional organiser, you can often make rapid progress in organising your own home.

I organise homes in Pirkanmaa, Finland myself, but you will find trained professional organisers all around Finland from the webpage of the Finnish Association of Professional Organisers . A professional organiser is familiar with homes in chaos for one reason or another. We adhere to ethical guidelines and confidentiality, so if you're not ready to open the door to others, let a professional organiser help you.

Heart of PlusPlus chips
What helps with home shame? Shame dissipates bit by bit, as you open up to others and connect with others.

I am a firm believer in grace, an advocate of unfinished business, and I believe we should take joy in our homes and unashamedly invite guests to visit. In addition to building resilience, working on the physical environment also helps with home shame, and I recommend doing this where possible.

However, this often requires an active approach and a willingness to change. The inward flow of goods must also be stopped. Clearing out your home and habits is good for both your physical and mental well-being. By modifying your environment, you can regulate the amount of stimuli you are exposed to and thus improve both your mood and your daily life.

In the photo: trained professional organiser Henna Paakinaho from Pirkkala, Finland

If you need tailored organisational help in Pirkanmaa, Finland for your home, I'm happy to help. I am a trained professional organiser Henna Paakinaho and organise homes via my company The Flow of Home .

I offer free consultation and a satisfaction guarantee for my work. Call 044 324 9483 or send me a message henna@ruuhkaton.fi


Listed below are a few techniques that will help most chaos tamers to contain the flood and start the clearance process:

The shopping strike and shopping list as a technique to modify your shopping behaviour

A shopping strike is an obvious way to tackle problematic behaviour: buying is banned, no longer allowed or can be limited. For example, you can use a monthly shopping day to deal with all your shopping NEEDS. This wait-and-see approach separates needs from wants. Read the article identifying needs.

Desire is usually quick and impulsive, a need that exists and persists despite the passage of time. You can also write a shopping list, which you can put into action after a 30-day cooling-off period. Practice either one for a couple of months, then you'll see how it works for you.

Take action, one small step at a time

This advice sometimes feels a bit like a rebuke to someone struggling in the throes of shame and inertia. It can also feel overwhelming: how do you cope when your illness or life situation is impossible?! If you are unable to move forward, could someone else help?

What would be a point in your life where improving a single thing would make a big difference, or where someone else could help from a small angle, setting the process in motion?

If you can, set aside five minutes every day to do a chore that's critical to you, or clean your home for five minutes. The key is to start, regularly. Get a good cycle going with this technique.

Setting boundaries: one out, one in

If you are constantly buying new stuff, your home will fill up if it doesn't go out at the same rate. This inevitably causes uncomfortable feelings for most people.

The one-in, one-out technique is a simple way to stop a flood of goods. If the shame of home is strong and the situation feels hopeless, this is a good place to start, because it doesn't stigmatise anyone, it's easy to explain to outsiders, and it's simple to set limits for yourself, your family and others.

Every time something arrives, the same amount leaves. You can send more, but there is no flexibility the other way round. Don't take anything in in advance, but always practice giving up before bringing something new home. Practise this for at least a month, and don't run from it.

Working on your own identity is a permanent path to change

The above tools will help you get started in working on home shame, both in your mind and in your physical environment. James Clear writes in Atomic Habits that identity change is key if we want long-term change. This means that simply clearing out or working through home shame will not get rid of these problem areas for long, but we should adopt new ways of thinking at the level of our identity.

From the professional organiser's point of view, this is most evident where clients believe they are disorganised or unable to change their habits. Working one's own belief (my home is untidy because I can't keep order) into a different form (my home will be tidy because I am slowly working towards order) has the effect of shifting and ensuring lasting change.

If you are impulsive, try changing your belief to "think before you buy", making it easier to stop before you act. This takes practice and time, but will pay off in the long run.

What beliefs are stopping you from moving forward? Is there a belief that even causes home shame? Contact me, if you need a consultation - I'll make a free call and give satisfaction guarantee on my work.

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